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in less lulzy news   
01:38pm 10/04/2009
  hubby's joinin' the nat'l guard. we need the money, and soon, this was an absolute last resort. but I'm really proud of him. he goes to enlist on may 1st, and he needs to drop some weight and a couple inches off his waste to make tape before then, and he's been working so hard. I'm happy he's so motivated, but at the same time... I'm going to miss him so much. I'll be moving in with my friend Dayna, who's like my BFF out here. =) I know she's going to be an incredible help while Evan's away. she's such a fantasticamazingwonderfullovelyterrific person. ^-^ Probably the only other person who can maintain my sanity and stand living with me as well as Evan, except maybe my mom, and MJ. ^_^ in good news!! Graduating in June if i pass everything this quarter, which looks pretty likely since I've managed to hold B Honor Roll position the last 3. ^_^ Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself, I'm not even gonna lie. Next year I'll be going to Minneapolis Community and Technical College for Apparel Technologies. Having a field trip to St. Paul college on Monday, and later in the quarter we'll be going to the UofM. I'm doing... alright. I've certainly been much better, but I'm doing alright for now.

miss you guys.

If anyone's going to CONvergence, I WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT!!! ^_^
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Twilight Parodies   
01:26pm 10/04/2009
  I absolutely frikkin love this person.
Last updated 42 weeks ago...   
05:30am 10/03/2009
mood: uncomfortable
well. i guess I'm due for another one.
i don't even know what i want to say.
i miss people. that's all i can think to say when i go for blogs. i know that there is SO much more but i can't get past that.
i miss a lot of things. my friends, my family, not caring, caring, remembering, forgetting, forgiving, being forgiven, knowing people, people knowing me.. trust... knowing where i am, being confident, feeling secure. safe. stable. feeling so much it hurts. read back through my vf blogs, and remembered things, feelings, that i'd forgotten, that make current feelings and lack there of make sense. more sense at least. it hurts again, dully, very dull, but it's there, so familiar and yet at the same time so alien. like someone you knew in passing in elementary school, and saw in college, but couldn't place from where or why or how you must know them but don't... i dunno. i'm hungry. not tired, surprisingly. got school tomorrow, s'gonna suck, and HARD. but i've been doing pretty good with school. passing all my classes with an a except for 1 b, made the b honor roll all 1st semester. never ever did that before Kiernan. i'm pretty proud of myself. but there's so much other bs right now that it doesn't even count. puts a small smile on my face, but no deeper. i feel all weird lately. extra emotional, unemotional, everything or nothing, or all stressed and pissed and irritable. no all happy. idk ... i need to go see a doc, but... well, i'm me and i hate seeing docs. not a good excuse, but, nevertheless. i dunnnooooo. i'm functioning, though. it was bad for about a month or so, but it's getting better again. hopefully continues to get better. well. i'm not sure what else to say. i've got this feeling that there's so much more. but this is all for now... maybe another forty-two weeks...
long time no type...   
11:44am 16/05/2008
  wow... s'been a while.
a very long while.
i doubt anyone even reads this anymore.... but nevertheless... i'm in a typing mood...

so what's new with me?

i'm a mom... to Kiernan Gabriel Varns. he's 3 months old today.
I'm a fiance to Evan Paul Varns, Jr.
i'm on MFIP(cash assistance/foodstamps)
living in st. paul.
neither of us are working... but we're both in school. Neither of us will graduate highschool until next year, though, and both of us are going to summer school.
Our living situation is pretty fucky at the moment. should fix soon... but i've been saying that for a while. i think i mean it now.

i looked back on this journal... skimmed over all my entries... remembered things... looked at myself then, and now. i want to say i'm a different person. and in a lot of ways i am. but in a lot of ways i'm still the same, and not neccesarily in good ways. i still hurt people i love... rather, the one i love the most(not counting kiernan). but he loves me enough to stay anyways. it does hurt, it does matter, but we couldn't live without each other, and we owe kiernan good parents.

i wish i knew WHY i was like this though. i'm so hateful and critical and picky and unappreciative. and for what... i feel sick.
03:53pm 13/07/2007
mood: happy
lol well i ended up taking the city bus. agh... x_X

CON was fucking amazing. And i met so many neat people. 3 in particular.. Brynna, Sara, and Jan (pronounced yon). Eeee!!! And now we're moving in with them in a house by next week. Yeah. it's awesome. we're all super-tight and *hearts*.. it is t3h awesome. And then there's t3h Josh we met at MoA shortly after, and t3h Jessy we met at Spencer's... So many lovely people!!! Life are g00g. i'm surrounded by love and lovelies. i'm a happy 'reiz0r.
10:42pm 29/05/2007
mood: happy
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08:56pm 09/04/2007
mood: concerned
Well, me and geoff officially split last night, and now me and evan are officially a couple. So i should be happy right? When i'm in his arms i should feel warm and safe inside. Seeing him should make my face smile, AND my heart. The world should melt away when we're together.

So why do I still feel so numb inside?

i don't understand it. am i broken?

Or is this yet another case of me getting exactly what I asked for, then wanting the exact opposite as soon as i got what i thought i wanted. Though... a part of me is okay with this. My HEART won't have to choose between evan and gordon, only my mind. But it's so awkward... pretending... pretending that i FEEL. I can be happy in my head. I can be sad in my head. They're never very intense, but they're there. My heart... no reaction.

i remember... vaguely... i used to have such intense emotions! I felt them, deeply. i could feel emotions physically, within my chest... not much hurt me, save for the pain of those I care for. and it just... eventually... the pain never went away... it got duller at times... but never completely went away. It hurt to be happy. Because i was only truly happy when I made others happy, but when I made them happy for a time it seemed to always lead to them being sadder in the end, and I hated that. so... i guess... eventually, it hurt so much, i didn't care about happiness anymore... happiness only led to greater sadness... and such sadness led to dysfunctionality... that's no good. I wanted to just be. So, I wanted to be numb enough that i'd never be too happy or too sad, so i could be merely content, and as such remain functional. And... i guess i got that. There are reasons I'm okay with this. but it disturbs me a little. I'm not quite sure what to do... But i'm not going to ask for my feelings back yet. Not quite yet. we'll see... what happens... then maybe, depending. but... until then.

My complaints never end, do they? Geh... i even annoy myself...
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08:52am 02/04/2007
mood: distressed
i hate me. and i know i'm not the only one. and i don't blame anyone in the least little bit for being pissed as hell at me. You have every reason. those who AREN'T, you either don't know what's going on, or you're too goddamned forgiving... stop it.

i don't even know what to do any more. there's no painless fix for this mess I've created... (de ja vu? yeah, not the first time i've done this...)

One would think I'd learn, or at least do the people I care about a favor and only get emotionally involved with people I hate. That'd work out nice if I could stand people... no, instead i find the fragile ones, they get all attached to me and me to them... and then i crush their pretty little hearts. It's what I'm good at, or so it seems. Fucking up. doesn't look too good on the resume...

so. here i am again. in yet another situation where everyone or most of the people involved in this mess is going to be hurt. And I'm stressing myself out trying to find the 'least painful' way to 'fix' it. Yeah... right...... there is no fixing this mess.
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07:30am 27/03/2007
mood: guilty
detour was AWESOME. yay for schoolgirl outfits, of which there were many...
and i think i pretty much have to break up with geoff. Evan has claimed me. this isn't going to go well...
i hate hurting people. but then, if i break up with geoff now, i'll hurt him less. I don't like me much right now.

I think i might be sick. which is bad. Cause, since evan broke up with his girl yesterday, he decided he can kiss me, so he did, as soon as he saw me this morning, and now i'm afraid i might've gotten him sick... x.x;;; wonder when i'll see geoff again... god, i feel like shit....

so much for not cheating on this one. This isn't fair!!! When i decide things like this, and i'm doing a good job sticking to it, ya always gotta throw the most irresistable guy at me... me and evan are such a good match... and i don't think i can hurt him very much... and there's such a low possibilty of me cheating on him, considering how often i see him and how amazing he is.

and honestly... there's not much between me and geoff.... and we never have much to talk about. i mean, there's plenty we have in common, but we never have anything to talk about. =/ i don't know any more. goddamnit. and geoff seems pretty attached, too... this is ungood... damnit. *sigh* this really doesn't ever get any easier...

whoever reads this, smack me next time you see me, please.
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07:31pm 09/03/2007
mood: tired
Emilie Autumn = Awesome
07:13pm 09/03/2007
mood: calm
kinda sad i didn't go to marscon. but at the same time, kinda glad. for a few reasons... But yeah, detour's comin' up!!! YAYYY!!!! Byebye monies. ;_; XD heh... >.o Meh. I'm so buying pocky. I had no money last year... so it kinda sucked... but this year... Awesomeness. Then i have to save up again for CONvergence. x.x; MJ is coming with, and she wants a room. 'Cause she's one of those cancer-lovers that think they need sleep. C'mon... it's CON... it's funner when you don't sleep. ^___^ I hope to go to more of the programming this year, there's neat stuff i missed last year because i was busy having fun with jeromy. XD Oi. But that can't happen this year, unless by some manner of suck, me and geoff break up. I hope not!!!! He's fun, and i'm... i'm getting less shy around him... *^-^* which is pretty shiny for me. There's of course still things i won't do, but i think i could if i get drunk enough. XD Yay, akeehol, the ultimate shyness-killer. x.X wish it weren't the case... but... eh. it happens. OOOOOOHHHH, I can't wait for detour... really, i'm sooo excited!!! I love conventions. Sooooo much. I hope i have a kid right around con time, so they can get dragged to one in their early days like I did. 3 days old!!! MiniCon '90. go me. well... ehhh i dunno. i can't seem to hold on to any thoughts for very long, and my brain is being kind of empty. So, i'm gonna stop trying. To type. Any more. On this blog. Soo...

Have a good weekend!
08:52pm 08/03/2007
mood: busy
my 17th birthday's on tuesday! hope i get some powdered sugar. =/

geoff and me have been going out officially for a month now. Welll.... okay, so technically i should say tomorrow, i think it was about 1ishAM that it was officially decided... but oh well, close 'nuff. Or wait... am i a day behind? I might be... was it 1am of the thursday... yes, i think it may have been... gah. brain are st00pid. too much sleep. none tonight.

scaring the little kiddies tomorrow in my psych class, it's child observation day. i hate children.... So, yay creepy goff make-upped ness and.. idk what i'm wearin yet. but i've got all night. ^_^

well. i'm bored. so have a good night. ta!
12:28am 04/03/2007
  Sleep gives you cancer.  
06:53pm 23/02/2007
mood: content
Good times. on Geoff's laptop right now, at the monster's den. he's about to be in a Magic tournament. He is SO geektastically awesome. And uber cute!!! Muchly happy-making. I keep thinking rather pessimistically though... but, eh, it happens. A lot, with me. >.> But oh well!!! I'm happy for now. And that's what matters... I'm happy for what happens as it happens, if it ends... I'll be happy that what happened happened! Hopefully all goes well, i really like him. But, ever the pessimist, nothing lasts forever - i've learned that lesson far too well - so I'm not going to be silly enough to hope for that. I just hope that when/if things do end, it's all good and there's not too much bad between us. That would be ideal... though things don't tend to be ideal. Meh. I'm being annoying again. Time to be happy!!!!! And stop typing.... other people wish to use the internet, and i haven't much more to blab about.

Oh, except i made a guy cry a couple days ago. That was frikkin great. ^_^ Wait... i shouldn't feel proud about that, should I...? meh. ^-^ Have a great weekend allz! And lets hope for a day off on monday due to the snow... ^______^

~'Rei-chan, teh Muffin GodD.E.S.S.
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07:52pm 17/02/2007
mood: happy
Geoff makes me a happy muffin. ^________^ i have pics of us on my myspazz... and i'll have more later. I'll post a few up here when i get them to my photobucket. 'cause i didn't take any of us with my cam, i have to wait for him to send 'em to me. but... HAPPY!!!! oh so happyjoi. ^-^ it's a nice change of pace. I still have this feeling it'll be like every other time, the happiness is because... hell just isn't hell when you forget how good it could be. And this is my reminder of what I don't deserve. My little taste of happiness and satisfaction, so i can be returned to hell... breaking down those emotional barriers and hindering my ability to deactivate my Givvadam so the suckage of life can get to me again. >.> And i'd like to say a part of me thinks the other way. But it doesn't. The other part just cares less, and hopes that i'll be able to just be happy for what i've had/am currently having, and since i've preemptively accepted the inevitabley disasterous end, it won't bother me as much as it perhaps should. That's the optimistic part of me... 'cause all of me thinks that really is the best i can possibly hope for.. ever. =\ Yeah, don't worry, i'm not getting depressed. I'm saying this and thinking about it while still being in a rather happy and content state of mind. it doesn't bug me as much. I don't know whether to consider that a good thing or a sad thing that i've resigned myself to a life full of suck? Oh well. at least i'm not whiney and emo. Go me!!! well, i'm going out again now. byeeeee!!!!
07:30pm 11/02/2007
mood: cheerful
Yep! As soon as i reverted to pessimism, it all went fantastic. Fuck you, 'self-fulfilling prophecy' theory. In. Your. Face. {{do theories have faces?}}

Snow Days... was... fantastic. Okay, the songs 98% sucked. There were a few good ones. Needed more techno... BADLY. =P Not many of my friends were there. Jess was not-hating me... which was incredibly unexpected! But not unwelcome. Dezi was there!!!! she did some very mean things. >.> but i managed to keep my hands to myself, and i only drooled a little i think. XD Lol. she's so awesome. Didn't see josh, which was weird i thought he said he'd be there. Oh well! I wish i could have introduced my boi to sammy but she was with emily, bowling. Didn't see eric til the end of the night, and i left a shoe print on the back of his suit. XD wasn't gonna mention that to him though.... But.. X.x I kept seeing Rachel, and charlie once he got there. The entire night, pretty much, they were nearby. >.> it was... a bit of a downer... but... Eh. Idk. Shouldn't've been, but i guess, things between me and her are really awkward still. Or, rather, again. >.>

But the best part of the night...

I was with my boi!!!! And i could not have possibly been happier. Not possibly. He makes me soooo happy. Sososo much!!!! By the end of the night i sucked a little less at dancing than when i walked in, i think. Just a little teeny bit. Hehehehe... when me and mj got back home, i think me and him said goodbye/goodnight about 10 times before they actually left. Then i was like, Get out of here before i decide you're not allowed to leave. =P i didn't want him to. I miss sleeping next to him, which i've done all of two times, but it are g00d. I can actually sleep. Not so well as when i sleep next to Kyo-kun, but i can sleep, which is still better than any one else i try to sleep next to. He just makes me feel so wonderful... and more equal. Not overly superior, not overly inferior. It's usually one or the other to an extreme. not always, but often. {{ worst extremes: jj=me are inferior, eddie=me are superior. but these are people that a LOT of people feel like such around. maybe more about the former than the latter, but... nevertheless.}}

But I are a happy Muffin!!!
09:16pm 08/02/2007
mood: nervous
So much for aforementioned optimism on snow days.

That's it!!! I'm going back to being a pessimist.

Fuck you all.
07:42pm 08/02/2007
mood: happy
I are a happy muffin. I have Boi. Boi makes me smile. Boi is fun and cute and aw3s0m3z0rz!!! to the max!!! He can be really really REALLY nice. and he makes me feel all shiny and giggly and SQUEE. and... Not that the worry is gone, not at all, but... i'm less worried about fucking up than usual. Usual it's a dead certain feeling. Now, it's just... it's... It's like it's more up to me, I guess. Like, i now am better able to avoid fuck-up behaviors. So... joi... 'cause he's really too awesome to hurt. And... yeah if things go bad between us it could make some things INCREDIBLY awkward... >.> But, hopefully that won't happen!!!!!!!!!! x.x;; and he's going to Snow Days with me. I'm so psyched!!!! The first good Snow Days Dance... I hope!!!!!! It... SHOULD go well. I've got about 90% faith in it going well. Well, wavers between 90-95. so, not the best, but more than usual!!!! I'll try to be a little more optimistic... i'm just kinda worried it's gonna kick me in the ass later. eh.... mrr. Just snow days, right...? Not a big deal. Nothing awful will happen. That's an order!!! To... whatever. i don't even know. x.x;;

all i know... is he makes me super smiley... in all kinds of ways... and i really like falling asleep next to him... and i really like waking up next to him... and i really like being with him. really really really!!

And... i REALLY hope... that this works out well... and if it does end, it's not awful. =/ i reall really hope all goes well.
08:12am 11/01/2007
mood: hungry, tired, bitchy
i'm... pretty happy i suppose. danny makes me smile so much. He's so wonderful.. wonder how long this'll last? It's too good to be for long. Oh well. I'm thankful for every day it lasts, and when it ends I'll try not to be sad. Why should I be when I knew the end was coming? It could have never happened at all.
meanwhile, there's also JJ again. and as such, i'm bruised as all hell. XD worse than usual, you should see!! or maybe not. people tend to worry unneccessarily about that... meh. oh well. I'm not about to explain to maryjo's parents that i'm a masochist, so i'll just stick to wearing teh longsleeved turtlenecks. much easier.

i hope Ayria's coming to Minnesota!!! Or else I'll cry. A lot.
08:54am 09/01/2007
boiz r st00pid.
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